Gloomy Sunday

My old apartment was on the second floor of a very nice street in a up and coming building. In the summer I thought nothing of sleeping with the windows open .No Big Blue meanies where going to come and get me in the night. Because the street was mellow I would rarely be disturbed by street noise. Sometimes you would hear so drunken banter of someone coming home late from a party but that was about it.

One night I was lying in bed just about to drift off in to the land of nod when I heard these two guys verbally going at right under my window. At first I thought I was listening to some would be actors rehearsing some workshop production of a Mamet one act. Then I realised this was real.Two middle aged brothers who had grown up in the neighborhood. Somewhere in one the nearby buildings was their aging,dying mother.

One of the brothers had at some time moved to Florida and made a shitload ( siblings term ) of money and sent cash back to mom to help out. Other sibling had not done so well, but had spent allot great deal of his recent life actively taking care of the mother.It was a remarkable discussion to listen to. The mutual, understandable resentments and hurt that they both had been building for years. At one point I felt I should yell out the window or at least cough loudly so they knew I could hear everything they were saying. But I got the sense that this was the first time they had really had it out and this was desperately needed. If I interrupted, they would have no were else to go and spit on each other.

Which leads us to today. Parents logistics cha- cha. My father has a new specialist he sees in the city.This is good.And I have a fairly flexible schedule and an extra bed room to put my parents up when they are in town .Glad to have them. But do to a whole thing that is too boring to get into, they have had to leave me hanging for the last 48 hours about if they were coming, when they would come, where they would need me to be if they would come. My father has this whole weird control thing about the things he will let my mother do to take care of him and the things he wants me to do. They are not to blur. So he wants to take stupid risks like traveling alone to come to me.Which stresses me out.The "what ifs" start going crazy in my head.End result is he is not coming this time but my house is child safe and my bathroom is very clean.

I have been having angry sad sleep the last week or so. I wake up pissed off or crying. My brother has chosen a very different life than me. He is married, has children, has a great deal of money, lives half way across the country.I could have decided to live a life like that too if I wanted. No one told me to stay here. Part of the resentment is the roles we play in our family.He is the logic based cheerleader. He asks the practical questions about doctors and such but he is never around for the mess. When he calls my parents , the conversations are about sports and charming things the grand kids have done. I get calls about physical and emotional distress. Oh maybe that's why I am alternately ticked off and weepy?

But mostly I am so mad that this all seems to fall on me and I don't have anyone in my family that I can lean on emotionally. If I felt I could say what I was feeling to someone who knew all the characters involved I wouldn't feel so isolated. But collectively my peers in my family want nothing to do with sharing. The best they can muster is, " I am sorry you feel this way." , and then walk away.

Over the years I have had this weird instinct to fall for men who have very tight relationships with their sisters. I would sit at dinner tables with these siblings and have them talk about dad's drinking, mom's depression, the general overall dysfunction of their family of origin. They would make jokes,say comments under their breathes,raise eyebrows ,speak the truth. I would long. I have stayed in more than one relationship too long because there would be the hope that I might be a part of a family that expresses what is going on.My brother has married into his dream family. His in laws are all very bright people who play board games, watch nothing but science fiction- action movies, and avoids anything the recalls painful history's. My sister in law no longer speaks to her mother or siblings. Someone makes you feel bad, they are sent away.

There are very few times I really crave being in a serious live in relationship again. Here is a brief list of when I do :
When I have the flu and wish I had someone who was obligated to bring me juice,ginger ale and jello.Not a kind friend who is going out of their way to do these things. I want someone who has to get me fluids because there is a legal document that says they are a ass hole if they don't.

When I have to get something from a very high shelf, fix a broken house hold object ,or tie up rec lying . I am short, bad with machines and tieing up papers by one self is an almost impossible task.

When a crazy romantic old movie like Casablanca comes on the tube on an random Thursday night and there is nothing else to do. Nuff Said about that.

When I hang up the phone after doing one more round of what are we going to do about dad, and I need someone to hold me for a change.