reasons I dont like being a grownup

I have to go to the dentist because a filling came out. Its a tiny filling but my tongue obsesses over it .Now its starting to get a little achey.Puke.

I have to get a new dishwasher .The repair guy came a few weeks ago and said that my machine was a piece of crap and that I might as well get a new one for it would be cheaper than repairing it. I have been ignoring the smell the crappy machine has been making. In a couple of days I will use my fathers,I hate the holidays-payoff check and buy a new machine instead of something fun like cute boots or the complete Kids in the Hall DVD collection.

The house will not be cleaned up magically by older adults unless I pay them. This includes the vomit my bulimic cat produces.

There is a kitty in heat outside my building. It is loud and sounds like it is in pain. I can comfort my self that there will be a happy ending.That some nice old lady with a kerchief will adopt her,take her home and serve her cream out a little saucer.No this kitty will have a miserable time till she gets laid and creates other miserable kittys.

I just ate too much brie.There was no one to tell me to stop it, save some brie for other people. No I feel icky because all the brie was for myself.

I lovely teased an old friend and she didn't understand fully that I was joking and her feelings were kind of hurt. So I had to apologise. And that all sucks.

I suspect I will want more brie in an hour or so.

Ive been bad.

Haven't written here recently.I give it up to a combination of recently joining Facebook and the holidays.Its the best I can come up with.

So I am thinking about community. What makes one and what makes it still years and years later. I spent x-mas up in Sara toga where a branch of cousins live. We have this tradition of every two years alternating where we spent the holiday events, one year small local, the other big east coast splash. This was that year. Everyone I grew up with who is still alive was there. Except dad for obvious reasons. And my brother. Because his wife redecorated this year and wanted to stay and home and show off her new floor tile. I am not worried about my nieces growing up with these values.Nope, not one little bit.

So anywho,there we all were. And we are doing the present thing that last all day with breaks for eating good hard salami and a pick up of folks at the airport. I see some of these people at best once a year.But here we are spending allot of cash on one another. And we are good at it. We know our tastes and styles.We enjoy each other very much. How did this happen that the glue stuck?We are still a strong group.

Then last night I went to a bash that a high school friend family has been holding forever. It involves two things that make a party work: the son of the family does lighting for stage and the dad was a puppeteer ( did things with Muppets!) so the decorations are so extreme it shoots joy.They also make this killer champagne punch with Bing Cherry's. Smiley faces.

So there is this clump of us who have known each other from 25 years ago.Some of us have been more in touch than others. Its mostly the,I saw you at so and sos party two years ago-right?, sort of thing.And we are catching up ,pleased with our grownup self's.And E ( who is leaving Aids research to do massage and body work!) says she is tired and wants to go sit down. So we all go into our old friends youth bed room.Our verging on middle aged self's are sitting on the floor,on the bed.Chat -chat-chat go we. We are fully our selves again. At one point her brother peeks in the door and says,"Spooky. Haven't thought I would see this sight again."

We are a bonded group.Sealed.How did that happen?Was it that we knew each other in our growing up?Could such a dynamic happen now? I am a member of different community's presently. In 20 years will I still look at any of them as still mine?

This is as deep as I go on one cup of coffee on a Sunday morning.

A thought

When is settling a statement of growing up vs giving up hope in finding what you really want?

In shoes purchases. What did you people think I meant?

It takes so little

I am in bunny dance mode this afternoon. Nothing remarkable has happened. But its just this pleasant feeling of hope. The border moved out this morning. So now I am cleaning sheets ,refilling the closet with my coat,an over all reclaiming of my home. I did the next to impossible task of finding the final gifts I needed at a site called www.sickonsin.com, where I got fab tshirts for both my sibling and 9 year old niece. I also got word that not only is my mother going to make to Chrismas,she is bringing the dog.And the hotel will let the dog stay with us!

God bless us everyone!

Facebook and PMS creates middleaged teenager

I am just aware that I am in a totally pissy mood. Sort of swept up on me. In part it was just that kind of piss making day. My mother called me this morning and drilled me about my frustration about not being able to lose weight.This has been going on since the thyroid went wacky a few years back. Now I am completely healthy , my blood work couldn't be better, not an ounce moves. My gynecologist doesn't have any ideas. Every book I have read says that basically I would have to exercises about an hour and half a day and limit my calorie intake to about 1500 calories to cause any change. Some how I don't see myself doing that.

But Mom is fixated on there must be someone out there who knows something.That can do something. I expressed sure, Jackie Suzanne covered them in Valley of the Dolls. A friend who has also battled weight issues through out her life recently spoke wistfully is Crank was all that bad for you. I know my mother is just transferring her lack of control of health issues in her household on to me . But this was just getting to me. Particularly when a certain person who I hated in middle school , who has "Friended " me recently has taken to posting a bunch of hot photos of herself as result of a low carb diet. OK this may have been the start of the crappy day.

There was also a visit to the post office that involved the rejection of the box I was sending my nieces birthday presents in. The computer stopped for no real reason at all in the middle of the day, and then sort of magically started up again, just to fuck with me. A 2 presents I planned to the last detail about will not be here in time for the holiday. And then Facebook.

Do grownups forget about hurting other peoples feelings? Did no one grow up a WASP? One group I am social with, not close with, but am social, had this big party this weekend and the crowd chose to post about every 5 minutes of action. I know everyone is these pictures. I was not invited. I am not sure I would have wanted to be there but it would have been nice to have been asked. Another group from my history is having a big bash this weekend. There are regular RSVP postings. I have not been close with these people in a quite sometime but ,again, I know everyone. I have not been asked. Ouch.Does no one think of these affects?

And there is a former classmate of mine cheerfully aggressively promoting her practice. I think she is way over pushy. I am totally jealous.

Happy little consumer

The day was made for upkeep. I have this long term computer update task that is too boring to even go into , other than to say it will probably take a good part of a month if not more to complete. A big part of the day was taking on that elephant.
I also cleaned . I don't know why but I can't get into that task when there are house guests. Also my energy is now higher in the morning. And with the tenor sleeping until noon, this has not worked. But the tub and oven are now scrubbed. But let me put this out there, if you are a healthy adult, but you have a case of the runs, it is your moral responsibility to wash the toilet after your use. I am not pointing fingers or naming names. I'm just stating my view point.

Other highlights : worked out today for the first time for almost 2 weeks( see tenor issue again.)
Felt great. Have recently joined Eharmony again since they are now taking gay members and not being fascists. I sort of like this system because it is a game. Every morning they give you 5 profiles to check over. But even this is a process that can be discouraging. This personal site is one of the more expensive ones and also the main one where the marketing is about finding someone who wants a commitment beyond next Thursday. The bulk of the men they sent me not only don't fully fill out their profiles, they don't even bother to post a picture. And the one guy this week I am sort of interested in talking to runs a cafe in Brooklyn and has no time to talk much less meet for a drink at this time of year. Boys, please show a little effort and free up the schedule if you want to involve the likes of me.

I did take a break to run down to Soho to visit a craft show a friend was selling stuff in. I scored very well. Didn't complete the holiday purchases completely but on the right direction. When I am finished here I will order Indian , doing my part to keep the small businesses of my neighborhood going. Its a great responsibility but for lamb and yogurt I am willing to take on the burden.

So maybe it's time for me to see a shrink again.

When I was a small child I had an emotional nervous stomach. Meaning that because I was living in a house where one was not allowed to express anger, when ever things pissed me off, I would puke. This was affective in many ways. First off, I would get out of school ,always a very good move. Secondly the drama that was going on would normally come to an end in the name of cleaning up the gacking child. And probably most importantly, I would get some caregiveing and attention I was desperate need of.

As it happens, random vomiting is happening again. But I realise its not all that random. The day after Thanksgiving my Mom and I were in Woodstock doing some early holiday shopping. We were in this wonderful hip- retro art gallery/craftsy shop . It had things like handmade over priced but very attractive pottery items that served no use at all. The sales woman was from another time as well. She totally ignored us the entire time we were there. Its nice to know in this economy, retail workers can still be rude and oblivious. Anyway, the only time I could get her to make eye contact with me was when I asked her where the toilet was.

As I was kneeling in this black and white tribute to 60s cover art, I wondered what I could have done to myself to cause this. I also appreciated that if I was going to do this in a public bathroom ,this was not a bad place to do it. We called are day to a close , went home , I crawled into bed, mom brought me dry toast.The next day was the first time my father asked me anything about my well being in the time I was there. Familiar........

Yesterday I went to a mediocre production at Lincoln Center called Saturn Return. It had a decent cast,OK direction, but the play was sort of lame. It was a kind of man looks back on his history looking at versions of himself at different ages thing. Think Christmas Carol but without any likable Tiny Tim or Scrooge types. Just miserable people. IN fact the main character first has an manic depressed codependent relationship with his wife,then his adult daughter, then the caretaker he hires to take care of him. And he is kind of a jerk.

I started first yawning uncontrollably. Then this combination of queasiness and headache hit. I kept trying to see if there was a way to get the hell out of there. But I was blocked by the guy sitting next to me.And wouldn't you know, it was one of those long self indulgent things with no intermission. I just kept praying please let this bastard kill him self so we can all go home. When I did get to my place, zapped a potato in the microwave to have something to calm my stomach. Ate and then puked 2 minutes later. What in this piece of theater could have caused such a dramatic reaction? I am stupefied.

The NOISE NOISE NOISE!

Between the running of the 100 year old toliet and the tenor, I presently have the loudest apartment it all the land.

In which our authoress considers if she is fit to live with others

So I take in borders from time to time.Largely to clear some bills, but also to face my hermit issues. I was talking to friend last night who works for the parks department. He feels the fact that he works outside all day in interaction with others prevents him from falling into bad love affairs. He says he meets new people constantly, singles, family's, little kids , dogs. And then when he comes home to lonely apartment , he is blissful with the isolation. He doesn't have a single pang of craving others. His out look is very familiar.

I gratefully and happily take care of others all through out my day in one way or another. When its me time, I wear it like comfy sweater. Its not that I don't want to be with others, I just don't often have that NEEED to be with you people. When I do get that view of desperation for company, I start looking at what is missing in my larger life issues.

So I have this border right now who is perfectly pleasant. He is a friend of a friend, a tenor in town for the month for auditions and such. But he is getting to me. First of all its that recollection of what it is like to be with theater people. His personality is looming. He needs to be seen as entertaining and knowledgeable at all times. He seems until noon. I wake up 7ish now I am a grownup. This means I tip toe around my place half the day not wanting to disturb him. He does not go out much because he doesn't have much money. So he stays in his room and watches TV. It makes me self conscious. He turns on all the lights and then forgets to turn them off. He leaves my favorite coffee cups at the edges of bookshelves and tables, waiting for gravity to smash them into a million bits.

Am I sure I am ready to date again and have to potentially share my cave?

Um, ah, do we have to do this now?

I just got off the phone with Mom. As faithful readers may recall, she was in town a couple of days ago to get some doctors time in. Part of which was the regular checking that one does not have breast cancer thing that all good girls must do after a certain age. She got the call today that she does not have cancer but her breast implants are leaking and need to be taken out now.

Kind of numb presently because I sort of don't feel like going through this. My Mom got the implants back when I was in middle school. She is a classically beautiful petite woman. But she never felt that way. And though she never said it ,I always felt it did not help to have a daughter whose boobs were bigger than hers by the time the kid was 11. What can I say, different grandmothers. Have I not had moments when I Would have killed puppy's to fit into her size 4 pants? But I felt this unspoken guilt about my chest causing her to feel bad about her self.

Then she had a bad reaction, started bleeding internally. Had to go back to the hospital. Chief memory of that was my father falling on the floor sobbing in terror and self hatred that he might lose her and that it was his fault for not being able to get it into her brain that how amazing she was. I had to take care of him while she was in surgery. Was sort of a peak moment of awareness that I was not having a Brady childhood.

So now the fun bags are poisoning her. She is searching for doctors.Waiting for people to call her back. And instead of expressing fear or worry, all she can talk about are her obligations to her various causes. And my father. She has not told my father yet because she does not want to worry him. Just my aunt and I know. Again. Leave the men out. Don't let them support you.Don't count on them.And she is considering getting replacements!!!! She is 75 friggin years old and she is talking about loss of physical self esteem if she doesn't have fake tits.

I can't even begin to know where to approach this at the moment.

Books to consider not reading

Just finished Schultz, the hit bio from last year about the author of the Peanuts. Ends up he was depressed, deeply insecure man, incapable of hugging his children until he knew he was dying, got back at his first wife by basing Lucy on her, and never believed that anyone loved or liked him.

Snoopy seems tainted .

What does this add to?

Spent most of the day with Mom. Mom only comes into town now for doctor's appointments but trys to make a proper visit out of it. So she catches up with a couple of friends, does a museum, eats food that my father won't . It's a full 24 hours but a mostly cheerful one.

So much of our time now is spent on what is wrong and how does one make it better. She thinks much of the time in terms of the logical. For example we are figuring out how one could resign the downstairs so my father wouldn't be so isolated. Good practical stuff.

She wants to know I am not to feel overloaded with my parents needs.I share that most of the time it's not them that is the problem, its my issues with my brother and sister in law. Using the busyness of their lives, they have all but dropped out of anything to do with the care of my folks. They are not even coming to Christmas this year, largely because my sister in law redecorated the first floor this summer and wants to celebrate her construction crews skills.

When we were growing up and things were bad, my brother's survival skill was to leave. Pre-drivers licence, he would go up to his room , turn on the stereo to some sensitive white rocker ala Springsteen/Seeger, and block out the pain the floor below was producing. When he did get to drive, he was just gone. It probably is what kept him sane. I felt abandoned. It was only about 5-7 years ago that I realised in a shrinks office that my unavailable man issues don't all stem from my dad.

Now he is half way across the country being the good family man. No one can blame him since he is being so kind and responsible to his brood. Except that there are days like today when my mother doesn't have proper eye glasses for one reason or another,is walking around in her perspiration shades looking like Jackie O sister, and I have to read her everything so she can function. That my dad has a self pity fit on the phone, wants her to cut her day of NYC re cooperation so that he doesn't feel lonely. That I have to take care of all this kind of regressive stuff and I have no peer to talk to about it.

He never calls or writes except for something like sending a holiday/birthday wish list for his daughters. He doesn't want to know about the bad stuff. Never has. Sometimes I feel so stuck and lonely and there is so little room for change.

Meanwhile today I got an email from Fresh Direct. It seems that a quote of mine in a survey about their service will be used in an advertisement. So the world is acknowleding me for my greatness somewhere.

Contrasting intincts = brain hurt

I was watching Christane Northrup on the PBS special that they always seem to show at pledge time. But now that is always seems to be a constant state of pledge time, how is one to know the difference? But I digress. Northrup is a doctor for all things women parts and is wise, kind and seems to have an handle on aging being a positive thing. She quotes my first coaching teacher throughout the show. And even though I have some left over baggage about that particular woman ( like her claim that mental illness, drug addiction, homosexuality are all choices that a person makes to keep life interesting....) ,Northrup has a way of editing out the crazy stuff and recalling the mind blowing -life change goodies.

She talked about the capacity to receive, in particular pleasure. Most women of a certain age and younger suck at this. We are motivated towards self creation, discipline, good work ethic. We give tons. We do not get this receive thing at all. And if one does not know how to receive , one will attract those who do not know how to give. ( Insert appropriate sound affect of recognition. )

I would like to declare that I am sick of being broke while being responsible. I am sick of things in my home breaking and my being scared about how I am going to fix said things. I am good at what I do,damn good. I deserve to have a level of abundance. But even writing this makes my stomach twitch. I am a do-gooder wasp. While I am a capitalist, I am a thrift store one. There is all this baggage about asking for more from the Gods. Or even those who know me. I am considering doing a very simple mailing to those who know me to push for additional clients, and it makes me so scared. Not about succeeding, but how I will come off. Abrasive, aggressive,unfeminine, self involved.

Oh they raised me right those kin of mine!