So twice a week I work at a disability law firm. I love them here.I started to volunteer years ago when I was too sick to work a real job but wanting to still make some sort of positive impact in the world.Then when I moved into coaching and spending most of my time in my home office, it became a way to still have an office social life. A world I could gossip about cute interns and raid the candy bowls.
What I do is intake calls. We are on a million lists as do-gooders who do free work for those in need.Which is true but all we do is class action cases for the most part.So we get all of these folks calling asking for help getting on SSD, trying to find some where to live that is wheel chair accessible, that sort of thing.I go through a date base and find someone who might actually help them.I am going to heaven.
For me it is a perfect gig. I do phone very well. I can be kind and sympathetic if your life sucks in a legitimate way. I also am very good at being evil. Meaning I have no guilt about cutting off sob story's that are not getting to the point.I also say" No" with great ease. People who off their meds don't generally scare me.Some times I can even talk them down into the land of the rational for a little while.
My only issue with the gig is watching how heavy duty my sense of judgemental is. You get a pretty good idea talking to people in trouble how they view the world and how they have lived their lives. Most folks are just trying to be responsible and find the right person who will help them out. They impress me enormously. Because while they are facing horrible issues like losing their homes or losing their 3 year old disability checks, they are level headed. They are going to get through this.
But then there are the professional victims. These are the people who bring out my inner Republican. They whine, they blame,they work the system. They have no interest in being proactive. They get belligerent when I explain that while my group can't help them, and I'm not a lawyer, I would love to give them names of lawyers who might be able to assistant. They curse me out. I am the man, who once again is fucking them over.When I am done with these kinds of calls, I look for candy.
Was just reading the New Yorker piece of voting in Ohio. My callers are the exact same people,just with zip codes in the Bronx. Please rock tonight Obama!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Mundane reasons for gentrification
When I think about the pluses and minuses of staying in New York, in my neighborhood, on my street, it comes down what makes life simple. Wednesday I will have lunch with a friend who also lives in the neighborhood. We say what is in walking distance of both of our homes, cheap and pleasant. And the winner is : the diner. That's it. If you don't want Chinese or a big hunk of steak or the trendy places by the hospital, the diner it is.
Or simple fix it up tasks. There is no where within 10 blocks of my home that had Bluestik, the putty stuff you put posters up with in dorm rooms. And much more serious, no one has sugarless chocolate pudding. Not the instant crap.That stuff in any form just tastes about what was awful about the 1950s. It smells of chemicals and oppression. But the real mix with milk, cook, shove in your fridge for a while stuff is not half bad, particularly if you put the fat free cool whip on it. It actually feels like dessert , rather than punishment for a slow metabolism. But after searching 5 grocery stores none are too be found. This is tragic.
If anyone finds some, buy a few boxes for me and I will reimburse you for the happy blue boxes. I am stocking up for the winter.
Or simple fix it up tasks. There is no where within 10 blocks of my home that had Bluestik, the putty stuff you put posters up with in dorm rooms. And much more serious, no one has sugarless chocolate pudding. Not the instant crap.That stuff in any form just tastes about what was awful about the 1950s. It smells of chemicals and oppression. But the real mix with milk, cook, shove in your fridge for a while stuff is not half bad, particularly if you put the fat free cool whip on it. It actually feels like dessert , rather than punishment for a slow metabolism. But after searching 5 grocery stores none are too be found. This is tragic.
If anyone finds some, buy a few boxes for me and I will reimburse you for the happy blue boxes. I am stocking up for the winter.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Gloomy Sunday
My old apartment was on the second floor of a very nice street in a up and coming building. In the summer I thought nothing of sleeping with the windows open .No Big Blue meanies where going to come and get me in the night. Because the street was mellow I would rarely be disturbed by street noise. Sometimes you would hear so drunken banter of someone coming home late from a party but that was about it.
One night I was lying in bed just about to drift off in to the land of nod when I heard these two guys verbally going at right under my window. At first I thought I was listening to some would be actors rehearsing some workshop production of a Mamet one act. Then I realised this was real.Two middle aged brothers who had grown up in the neighborhood. Somewhere in one the nearby buildings was their aging,dying mother.
One of the brothers had at some time moved to Florida and made a shitload ( siblings term ) of money and sent cash back to mom to help out. Other sibling had not done so well, but had spent allot great deal of his recent life actively taking care of the mother.It was a remarkable discussion to listen to. The mutual, understandable resentments and hurt that they both had been building for years. At one point I felt I should yell out the window or at least cough loudly so they knew I could hear everything they were saying. But I got the sense that this was the first time they had really had it out and this was desperately needed. If I interrupted, they would have no were else to go and spit on each other.
Which leads us to today. Parents logistics cha- cha. My father has a new specialist he sees in the city.This is good.And I have a fairly flexible schedule and an extra bed room to put my parents up when they are in town .Glad to have them. But do to a whole thing that is too boring to get into, they have had to leave me hanging for the last 48 hours about if they were coming, when they would come, where they would need me to be if they would come. My father has this whole weird control thing about the things he will let my mother do to take care of him and the things he wants me to do. They are not to blur. So he wants to take stupid risks like traveling alone to come to me.Which stresses me out.The "what ifs" start going crazy in my head.End result is he is not coming this time but my house is child safe and my bathroom is very clean.
I have been having angry sad sleep the last week or so. I wake up pissed off or crying. My brother has chosen a very different life than me. He is married, has children, has a great deal of money, lives half way across the country.I could have decided to live a life like that too if I wanted. No one told me to stay here. Part of the resentment is the roles we play in our family.He is the logic based cheerleader. He asks the practical questions about doctors and such but he is never around for the mess. When he calls my parents , the conversations are about sports and charming things the grand kids have done. I get calls about physical and emotional distress. Oh maybe that's why I am alternately ticked off and weepy?
But mostly I am so mad that this all seems to fall on me and I don't have anyone in my family that I can lean on emotionally. If I felt I could say what I was feeling to someone who knew all the characters involved I wouldn't feel so isolated. But collectively my peers in my family want nothing to do with sharing. The best they can muster is, " I am sorry you feel this way." , and then walk away.
Over the years I have had this weird instinct to fall for men who have very tight relationships with their sisters. I would sit at dinner tables with these siblings and have them talk about dad's drinking, mom's depression, the general overall dysfunction of their family of origin. They would make jokes,say comments under their breathes,raise eyebrows ,speak the truth. I would long. I have stayed in more than one relationship too long because there would be the hope that I might be a part of a family that expresses what is going on.My brother has married into his dream family. His in laws are all very bright people who play board games, watch nothing but science fiction- action movies, and avoids anything the recalls painful history's. My sister in law no longer speaks to her mother or siblings. Someone makes you feel bad, they are sent away.
There are very few times I really crave being in a serious live in relationship again. Here is a brief list of when I do :
When I have the flu and wish I had someone who was obligated to bring me juice,ginger ale and jello.Not a kind friend who is going out of their way to do these things. I want someone who has to get me fluids because there is a legal document that says they are a ass hole if they don't.
When I have to get something from a very high shelf, fix a broken house hold object ,or tie up rec lying . I am short, bad with machines and tieing up papers by one self is an almost impossible task.
When a crazy romantic old movie like Casablanca comes on the tube on an random Thursday night and there is nothing else to do. Nuff Said about that.
When I hang up the phone after doing one more round of what are we going to do about dad, and I need someone to hold me for a change.
One night I was lying in bed just about to drift off in to the land of nod when I heard these two guys verbally going at right under my window. At first I thought I was listening to some would be actors rehearsing some workshop production of a Mamet one act. Then I realised this was real.Two middle aged brothers who had grown up in the neighborhood. Somewhere in one the nearby buildings was their aging,dying mother.
One of the brothers had at some time moved to Florida and made a shitload ( siblings term ) of money and sent cash back to mom to help out. Other sibling had not done so well, but had spent allot great deal of his recent life actively taking care of the mother.It was a remarkable discussion to listen to. The mutual, understandable resentments and hurt that they both had been building for years. At one point I felt I should yell out the window or at least cough loudly so they knew I could hear everything they were saying. But I got the sense that this was the first time they had really had it out and this was desperately needed. If I interrupted, they would have no were else to go and spit on each other.
Which leads us to today. Parents logistics cha- cha. My father has a new specialist he sees in the city.This is good.And I have a fairly flexible schedule and an extra bed room to put my parents up when they are in town .Glad to have them. But do to a whole thing that is too boring to get into, they have had to leave me hanging for the last 48 hours about if they were coming, when they would come, where they would need me to be if they would come. My father has this whole weird control thing about the things he will let my mother do to take care of him and the things he wants me to do. They are not to blur. So he wants to take stupid risks like traveling alone to come to me.Which stresses me out.The "what ifs" start going crazy in my head.End result is he is not coming this time but my house is child safe and my bathroom is very clean.
I have been having angry sad sleep the last week or so. I wake up pissed off or crying. My brother has chosen a very different life than me. He is married, has children, has a great deal of money, lives half way across the country.I could have decided to live a life like that too if I wanted. No one told me to stay here. Part of the resentment is the roles we play in our family.He is the logic based cheerleader. He asks the practical questions about doctors and such but he is never around for the mess. When he calls my parents , the conversations are about sports and charming things the grand kids have done. I get calls about physical and emotional distress. Oh maybe that's why I am alternately ticked off and weepy?
But mostly I am so mad that this all seems to fall on me and I don't have anyone in my family that I can lean on emotionally. If I felt I could say what I was feeling to someone who knew all the characters involved I wouldn't feel so isolated. But collectively my peers in my family want nothing to do with sharing. The best they can muster is, " I am sorry you feel this way." , and then walk away.
Over the years I have had this weird instinct to fall for men who have very tight relationships with their sisters. I would sit at dinner tables with these siblings and have them talk about dad's drinking, mom's depression, the general overall dysfunction of their family of origin. They would make jokes,say comments under their breathes,raise eyebrows ,speak the truth. I would long. I have stayed in more than one relationship too long because there would be the hope that I might be a part of a family that expresses what is going on.My brother has married into his dream family. His in laws are all very bright people who play board games, watch nothing but science fiction- action movies, and avoids anything the recalls painful history's. My sister in law no longer speaks to her mother or siblings. Someone makes you feel bad, they are sent away.
There are very few times I really crave being in a serious live in relationship again. Here is a brief list of when I do :
When I have the flu and wish I had someone who was obligated to bring me juice,ginger ale and jello.Not a kind friend who is going out of their way to do these things. I want someone who has to get me fluids because there is a legal document that says they are a ass hole if they don't.
When I have to get something from a very high shelf, fix a broken house hold object ,or tie up rec lying . I am short, bad with machines and tieing up papers by one self is an almost impossible task.
When a crazy romantic old movie like Casablanca comes on the tube on an random Thursday night and there is nothing else to do. Nuff Said about that.
When I hang up the phone after doing one more round of what are we going to do about dad, and I need someone to hold me for a change.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Won't you be my neighbor
A little portrait of 12 hours on my street. Last night I was coming home about 11:30 after seeing a incredible Lucinda Williams concert.( Note: If you are suffering from some sort of God Complex, drop it. Lucinda is the true all powerful, knowing source of energy in the Universe.) I was in a peppy, I love my city ,kind of mood that I am so grateful I can still have after all these years.
As I was walking home ,in front of me was a cluster of 4 20- somethings that you rarely see in my hood. They were clearly out of towners on an adventure. They were giggly,cheerful,squeaky. They had spunk. One of the young men who does regular commerce on my street walks up to them as says, " You people are not welcome in my neighborhood."
It's one of those moments where I wish I was more of bad ass. Yeah, these kids were kind of annoying. But to scare them , to threaten them , what's the point ? Other than to feel better about your self for a moment. Oh yeah, this guy sells drugs for a living. This is a man that whole like is about the not thought through short term action. But I still felt protective. I wanted to be able to say something to make them feel safe getting to their destination. But they seem to take it in stride as they screeched at the sight of the biggest dead rat one could hope to see. This thing in its prime could have taken on my parents spaniel.
This morning while doing the ritual tidying there was the sound of a voice on a megaphone announcing that everyone has to move their cars now. There is going to be a church event taking up the street. Jesus loves you and he will tow your van if you don't move your ass now.
The question is who is seen as more of a threat to the street action., white kids with college loans or the Movers for God.
As I was walking home ,in front of me was a cluster of 4 20- somethings that you rarely see in my hood. They were clearly out of towners on an adventure. They were giggly,cheerful,squeaky. They had spunk. One of the young men who does regular commerce on my street walks up to them as says, " You people are not welcome in my neighborhood."
It's one of those moments where I wish I was more of bad ass. Yeah, these kids were kind of annoying. But to scare them , to threaten them , what's the point ? Other than to feel better about your self for a moment. Oh yeah, this guy sells drugs for a living. This is a man that whole like is about the not thought through short term action. But I still felt protective. I wanted to be able to say something to make them feel safe getting to their destination. But they seem to take it in stride as they screeched at the sight of the biggest dead rat one could hope to see. This thing in its prime could have taken on my parents spaniel.
This morning while doing the ritual tidying there was the sound of a voice on a megaphone announcing that everyone has to move their cars now. There is going to be a church event taking up the street. Jesus loves you and he will tow your van if you don't move your ass now.
The question is who is seen as more of a threat to the street action., white kids with college loans or the Movers for God.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Assignment for the day
1.Download Paul Simon's "American Tune " on to Ipod.
2.Bring Ipod with you on New York city subway or other form of public transport during work day travel.
3.Play song while you look at fellow riders.
4.Chat with 3 year old little girl who gives you tic tacs and offers you grapes.
5. Feel better about the state of the world.
2.Bring Ipod with you on New York city subway or other form of public transport during work day travel.
3.Play song while you look at fellow riders.
4.Chat with 3 year old little girl who gives you tic tacs and offers you grapes.
5. Feel better about the state of the world.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Let's Play Pretend
This week a class I have been taking on marketing came to an end. I am of two minds on this.One one hand it was great for me to have done this. I know next to nothing about starting a small business/private practice other than it involves a fair amount of begging wrapped in the package of kiss up. I did get allot done in the months I have been taken this on and I am grateful for that.
However on the other hand: Whoopeeeee! Bring on the dancing boys ! I know longer have to spend my Tuesday nights feeling like a loser negative dork, whining about the fact that I don't want to write one of those 10 steps to making your life better articles to get new clients. They are icky .Even if it is the latest trend, I do not want my website to have audible testimonials of my clients that others can hear.It's whorish and cheesy.Pukey eww.
But on the last class the teacher did talk about the whole concept of money and what she referred to as ones temperature gage about it. That we all have this thing in side of us that says, this is how much money I am allowed to make. Most of us don't go above a certain level because we have beliefs systems about what that would mean. For me, I have always been good at earning money for other people but not for myself. I think there is this click in me that says, if I had all the money I needed, no longer in any kind of cash crisis, no one would ever take care of me in any way ever again. So I stay in this adolescent,starving artist mode ,so I don't have to be this completely hard ass New York woman, fuck you I can pay for my own pedicure, mode.
So what the teacher suggested was doing a sort of visualization about the thermometer. On it is how much you make right now, then add to it what you would like to earn. For me it's adding another 30,000 to the temperature. It's reasonable. It's not asking the world. But it would make a huge difference in my lifestyle. Writing this freaks me out. This issue makes me super uncomfortable. But this is part of why we are doing this blog thing, right? A form of outing one self.
I need to go run away now.
However on the other hand: Whoopeeeee! Bring on the dancing boys ! I know longer have to spend my Tuesday nights feeling like a loser negative dork, whining about the fact that I don't want to write one of those 10 steps to making your life better articles to get new clients. They are icky .Even if it is the latest trend, I do not want my website to have audible testimonials of my clients that others can hear.It's whorish and cheesy.Pukey eww.
But on the last class the teacher did talk about the whole concept of money and what she referred to as ones temperature gage about it. That we all have this thing in side of us that says, this is how much money I am allowed to make. Most of us don't go above a certain level because we have beliefs systems about what that would mean. For me, I have always been good at earning money for other people but not for myself. I think there is this click in me that says, if I had all the money I needed, no longer in any kind of cash crisis, no one would ever take care of me in any way ever again. So I stay in this adolescent,starving artist mode ,so I don't have to be this completely hard ass New York woman, fuck you I can pay for my own pedicure, mode.
So what the teacher suggested was doing a sort of visualization about the thermometer. On it is how much you make right now, then add to it what you would like to earn. For me it's adding another 30,000 to the temperature. It's reasonable. It's not asking the world. But it would make a huge difference in my lifestyle. Writing this freaks me out. This issue makes me super uncomfortable. But this is part of why we are doing this blog thing, right? A form of outing one self.
I need to go run away now.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Embracing my inner Maria Von Trapp
So instead of harping on the unknown and scary,let's play a game off listing a few things that made up happy today. Or at least content.
1.checks cleared. I know that is one of those things that one should just expect to have happen but to no longer have to look at the over draft in my account , the guilt that someone might call me for being a bad girl, huge friggin relief.
2.A volunteer job I have had for years has offered me a paying position for doing what I have doing all along. Very sweet complement to come from a not for profit, in this week of all weeks.
3.Because of said job, I will now me eligible for low cost health insurance as of next month.
4. A package of new clothes was brought to me by the UPS man. Even when I give them to myself, I love the Wells Fargo Wagon. Opening the bounty makes me bunny rabbit cheerful. And it was items on super gigantic sale. A basic black dress, cool stripey trousers and a little white tee shirt for a total of 72 bucks. I am God of shopping.
5. I no longer have to make my self like early Ingmar Bergman movies. I get it, he's brilliant, he changed cinema. He's a drag with a mother complex. At least when Woody Allen pulled this stuff the apartments were better looking. Strangely I love allot of his later work. The whole red living room thing with the women in white, dig it . But I can take all of the 50s-60s stuff off the Netflix list. I have nothing to prove anymore.
6. The lunchtime special from the Chinese place of decent. Not over wrought with peanut oil like last time.
7. My compulsively political friend is making her schedule free to come and watch the debates with me tomorrow. She is working on her dissertation, so she has been crazy glued to her desk the last 2 years. Then she got a dog. I wonder what she even looks like now. But she will come tomorrow and obsess with me over every tiny freakish detail . Glee.
8.John Steinbeck. I know he great but he is one of those people you take for granted his greatness because it's just assumed. And then if you are smart enough you pick it up some of his best work and you realise that this man is better than most people walking around is socks. He is totally in love with humanity. I have a new moody brilliant drunk to have a crush on.
9.The drug dealer upstairs ,who I am very found of but have has run ins with, told me today that he has gotten a job with con Ed and is going back to school. To study business organization.
1.checks cleared. I know that is one of those things that one should just expect to have happen but to no longer have to look at the over draft in my account , the guilt that someone might call me for being a bad girl, huge friggin relief.
2.A volunteer job I have had for years has offered me a paying position for doing what I have doing all along. Very sweet complement to come from a not for profit, in this week of all weeks.
3.Because of said job, I will now me eligible for low cost health insurance as of next month.
4. A package of new clothes was brought to me by the UPS man. Even when I give them to myself, I love the Wells Fargo Wagon. Opening the bounty makes me bunny rabbit cheerful. And it was items on super gigantic sale. A basic black dress, cool stripey trousers and a little white tee shirt for a total of 72 bucks. I am God of shopping.
5. I no longer have to make my self like early Ingmar Bergman movies. I get it, he's brilliant, he changed cinema. He's a drag with a mother complex. At least when Woody Allen pulled this stuff the apartments were better looking. Strangely I love allot of his later work. The whole red living room thing with the women in white, dig it . But I can take all of the 50s-60s stuff off the Netflix list. I have nothing to prove anymore.
6. The lunchtime special from the Chinese place of decent. Not over wrought with peanut oil like last time.
7. My compulsively political friend is making her schedule free to come and watch the debates with me tomorrow. She is working on her dissertation, so she has been crazy glued to her desk the last 2 years. Then she got a dog. I wonder what she even looks like now. But she will come tomorrow and obsess with me over every tiny freakish detail . Glee.
8.John Steinbeck. I know he great but he is one of those people you take for granted his greatness because it's just assumed. And then if you are smart enough you pick it up some of his best work and you realise that this man is better than most people walking around is socks. He is totally in love with humanity. I have a new moody brilliant drunk to have a crush on.
9.The drug dealer upstairs ,who I am very found of but have has run ins with, told me today that he has gotten a job with con Ed and is going back to school. To study business organization.
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