Conjunction junction

I was putting together a couple of recent obsessions of the moment and possibly have figured something out. When I was in high school I met someone I shall refer to as the Great One. The great one was about 4-5 years older than me when that actually mattered in how you interacted with people. He was brilliant,funny, handsome. Everyone knew this was someone with a future. The problem was he knew it too.

He had a strong capacity to be a know it all, arrogant, dismissive shit. I on the other hand had a strong leaning towards being a hyper over dramatic, needy, alternatively egotistical/desperately insincere, brat. We did not play nice together. Over the years we would run to each other at events like mutual friends party's and barely tolerate each other. The Great One took steps forward into the world with his work , when they were less than stellar, I would feel a bit of evil glee. When he finally hit his stride and lived up to his title, I received the news like there was a great unfairness in the world. How could someone create something wonderful, get praise and money for it, having been such a turd to little me?

This spring a member of our young life died in an unexpected rotten way. There was a memorial to go to. I was mixed about going. I wanted to say good bye and pay homage but I was not sure how I would feel facing some of my history, including G.1. If I did something like show emotion, would I be dismissed as being superficial and insincere ? But the priory of the event and not the size of my ego won out. I went. And not only did I go, I gave a message at the service. Afterwards The Great One was the first one who came up , hugged me and thanked me for what I had said. Who knew we could all grow up?

A group of us spent the day together and caught up, told old story's, were family reunited. What became very clear to me at the end of the day was G.1 and had finally met each other at the right time. We were balanced on the Earth. I liked my self and my life, he no longer had to sell his potential. It didn't hurt that we were both now attracted to one another .OK , I can't prove it was mutual. I was vibing on him, I caught him checking out my legs and he strongly hugged me good bye- twice. There was something going on there.

He has floated in my head since then. Not a constant but just sort of there. I will browse a spot where his work is often showcased,looking for his name to see if there is new work being displayed. I will fantasize about conversations and other interactions I might have with him.Why am I giving such a passing through person so much power in my head? I haven't given this much thought time to almost anyone else in my history recently. What is it with him and the role I give him?

Today I figured it out. My father was about the same age when he broke through professionally. At about the same point in his life, he was given a small platform on the national stage of his world. He was a young man with a big future. Now he is old, physically and emotionally in an almost constant state of suffering. He is nearing the end. And I still long for something from him that I will probably never get.

Don't get me wrong, he is a terribly magnanimous person. He loves and cares more deeply than the common man on the street.But he gives it with things like checks. Which are very nice. But they are not the same as emotional availability. I have never felt I could count of him for his groundedness. After about the age of 6, I could not count of being about to feel that he was some one who would protect me or make the planet feel safe. I thought that was my job to do for him. And I never felt I was quite enough , not sharp enough, not interesting enough, to hold his interest. I thought that if I was those things, wouldn't he talk to me more? Wouldn't there be more lightness/

I now know that this is not the case. But those old lessons run deep. Knee jerk. So the Great One. Urban boy made good, self created ,unavailable parents, obsessive interests, loyal life long friends,untouchable sadness. Oh where have I seen all this before? At our reunion, all our friends where showing photos of their kids on their cell phones, talking about their spouses. Even though he is married and has a toddler at home, he said nothing about them. His silence hurt. Did my father ever do the same? Did he ever turn mute when it was his turn to brag about his home life?

I could never heal what ever causes ache if G1. But there is a nerve in me that vibrates. It says,if there was a right time and a right space. No wife. No guilt. Could I make it all better now with this one?

It's lame to be cliche. But at least I am a cliche with high standards.