reasons I dont like being a grownup

I have to go to the dentist because a filling came out. Its a tiny filling but my tongue obsesses over it .Now its starting to get a little achey.Puke.

I have to get a new dishwasher .The repair guy came a few weeks ago and said that my machine was a piece of crap and that I might as well get a new one for it would be cheaper than repairing it. I have been ignoring the smell the crappy machine has been making. In a couple of days I will use my fathers,I hate the holidays-payoff check and buy a new machine instead of something fun like cute boots or the complete Kids in the Hall DVD collection.

The house will not be cleaned up magically by older adults unless I pay them. This includes the vomit my bulimic cat produces.

There is a kitty in heat outside my building. It is loud and sounds like it is in pain. I can comfort my self that there will be a happy ending.That some nice old lady with a kerchief will adopt her,take her home and serve her cream out a little saucer.No this kitty will have a miserable time till she gets laid and creates other miserable kittys.

I just ate too much brie.There was no one to tell me to stop it, save some brie for other people. No I feel icky because all the brie was for myself.

I lovely teased an old friend and she didn't understand fully that I was joking and her feelings were kind of hurt. So I had to apologise. And that all sucks.

I suspect I will want more brie in an hour or so.

Ive been bad.

Haven't written here recently.I give it up to a combination of recently joining Facebook and the holidays.Its the best I can come up with.

So I am thinking about community. What makes one and what makes it still years and years later. I spent x-mas up in Sara toga where a branch of cousins live. We have this tradition of every two years alternating where we spent the holiday events, one year small local, the other big east coast splash. This was that year. Everyone I grew up with who is still alive was there. Except dad for obvious reasons. And my brother. Because his wife redecorated this year and wanted to stay and home and show off her new floor tile. I am not worried about my nieces growing up with these values.Nope, not one little bit.

So anywho,there we all were. And we are doing the present thing that last all day with breaks for eating good hard salami and a pick up of folks at the airport. I see some of these people at best once a year.But here we are spending allot of cash on one another. And we are good at it. We know our tastes and styles.We enjoy each other very much. How did this happen that the glue stuck?We are still a strong group.

Then last night I went to a bash that a high school friend family has been holding forever. It involves two things that make a party work: the son of the family does lighting for stage and the dad was a puppeteer ( did things with Muppets!) so the decorations are so extreme it shoots joy.They also make this killer champagne punch with Bing Cherry's. Smiley faces.

So there is this clump of us who have known each other from 25 years ago.Some of us have been more in touch than others. Its mostly the,I saw you at so and sos party two years ago-right?, sort of thing.And we are catching up ,pleased with our grownup self's.And E ( who is leaving Aids research to do massage and body work!) says she is tired and wants to go sit down. So we all go into our old friends youth bed room.Our verging on middle aged self's are sitting on the floor,on the bed.Chat -chat-chat go we. We are fully our selves again. At one point her brother peeks in the door and says,"Spooky. Haven't thought I would see this sight again."

We are a bonded group.Sealed.How did that happen?Was it that we knew each other in our growing up?Could such a dynamic happen now? I am a member of different community's presently. In 20 years will I still look at any of them as still mine?

This is as deep as I go on one cup of coffee on a Sunday morning.

A thought

When is settling a statement of growing up vs giving up hope in finding what you really want?

In shoes purchases. What did you people think I meant?

It takes so little

I am in bunny dance mode this afternoon. Nothing remarkable has happened. But its just this pleasant feeling of hope. The border moved out this morning. So now I am cleaning sheets ,refilling the closet with my coat,an over all reclaiming of my home. I did the next to impossible task of finding the final gifts I needed at a site called www.sickonsin.com, where I got fab tshirts for both my sibling and 9 year old niece. I also got word that not only is my mother going to make to Chrismas,she is bringing the dog.And the hotel will let the dog stay with us!

God bless us everyone!

Facebook and PMS creates middleaged teenager

I am just aware that I am in a totally pissy mood. Sort of swept up on me. In part it was just that kind of piss making day. My mother called me this morning and drilled me about my frustration about not being able to lose weight.This has been going on since the thyroid went wacky a few years back. Now I am completely healthy , my blood work couldn't be better, not an ounce moves. My gynecologist doesn't have any ideas. Every book I have read says that basically I would have to exercises about an hour and half a day and limit my calorie intake to about 1500 calories to cause any change. Some how I don't see myself doing that.

But Mom is fixated on there must be someone out there who knows something.That can do something. I expressed sure, Jackie Suzanne covered them in Valley of the Dolls. A friend who has also battled weight issues through out her life recently spoke wistfully is Crank was all that bad for you. I know my mother is just transferring her lack of control of health issues in her household on to me . But this was just getting to me. Particularly when a certain person who I hated in middle school , who has "Friended " me recently has taken to posting a bunch of hot photos of herself as result of a low carb diet. OK this may have been the start of the crappy day.

There was also a visit to the post office that involved the rejection of the box I was sending my nieces birthday presents in. The computer stopped for no real reason at all in the middle of the day, and then sort of magically started up again, just to fuck with me. A 2 presents I planned to the last detail about will not be here in time for the holiday. And then Facebook.

Do grownups forget about hurting other peoples feelings? Did no one grow up a WASP? One group I am social with, not close with, but am social, had this big party this weekend and the crowd chose to post about every 5 minutes of action. I know everyone is these pictures. I was not invited. I am not sure I would have wanted to be there but it would have been nice to have been asked. Another group from my history is having a big bash this weekend. There are regular RSVP postings. I have not been close with these people in a quite sometime but ,again, I know everyone. I have not been asked. Ouch.Does no one think of these affects?

And there is a former classmate of mine cheerfully aggressively promoting her practice. I think she is way over pushy. I am totally jealous.

Happy little consumer

The day was made for upkeep. I have this long term computer update task that is too boring to even go into , other than to say it will probably take a good part of a month if not more to complete. A big part of the day was taking on that elephant.
I also cleaned . I don't know why but I can't get into that task when there are house guests. Also my energy is now higher in the morning. And with the tenor sleeping until noon, this has not worked. But the tub and oven are now scrubbed. But let me put this out there, if you are a healthy adult, but you have a case of the runs, it is your moral responsibility to wash the toilet after your use. I am not pointing fingers or naming names. I'm just stating my view point.

Other highlights : worked out today for the first time for almost 2 weeks( see tenor issue again.)
Felt great. Have recently joined Eharmony again since they are now taking gay members and not being fascists. I sort of like this system because it is a game. Every morning they give you 5 profiles to check over. But even this is a process that can be discouraging. This personal site is one of the more expensive ones and also the main one where the marketing is about finding someone who wants a commitment beyond next Thursday. The bulk of the men they sent me not only don't fully fill out their profiles, they don't even bother to post a picture. And the one guy this week I am sort of interested in talking to runs a cafe in Brooklyn and has no time to talk much less meet for a drink at this time of year. Boys, please show a little effort and free up the schedule if you want to involve the likes of me.

I did take a break to run down to Soho to visit a craft show a friend was selling stuff in. I scored very well. Didn't complete the holiday purchases completely but on the right direction. When I am finished here I will order Indian , doing my part to keep the small businesses of my neighborhood going. Its a great responsibility but for lamb and yogurt I am willing to take on the burden.

So maybe it's time for me to see a shrink again.

When I was a small child I had an emotional nervous stomach. Meaning that because I was living in a house where one was not allowed to express anger, when ever things pissed me off, I would puke. This was affective in many ways. First off, I would get out of school ,always a very good move. Secondly the drama that was going on would normally come to an end in the name of cleaning up the gacking child. And probably most importantly, I would get some caregiveing and attention I was desperate need of.

As it happens, random vomiting is happening again. But I realise its not all that random. The day after Thanksgiving my Mom and I were in Woodstock doing some early holiday shopping. We were in this wonderful hip- retro art gallery/craftsy shop . It had things like handmade over priced but very attractive pottery items that served no use at all. The sales woman was from another time as well. She totally ignored us the entire time we were there. Its nice to know in this economy, retail workers can still be rude and oblivious. Anyway, the only time I could get her to make eye contact with me was when I asked her where the toilet was.

As I was kneeling in this black and white tribute to 60s cover art, I wondered what I could have done to myself to cause this. I also appreciated that if I was going to do this in a public bathroom ,this was not a bad place to do it. We called are day to a close , went home , I crawled into bed, mom brought me dry toast.The next day was the first time my father asked me anything about my well being in the time I was there. Familiar........

Yesterday I went to a mediocre production at Lincoln Center called Saturn Return. It had a decent cast,OK direction, but the play was sort of lame. It was a kind of man looks back on his history looking at versions of himself at different ages thing. Think Christmas Carol but without any likable Tiny Tim or Scrooge types. Just miserable people. IN fact the main character first has an manic depressed codependent relationship with his wife,then his adult daughter, then the caretaker he hires to take care of him. And he is kind of a jerk.

I started first yawning uncontrollably. Then this combination of queasiness and headache hit. I kept trying to see if there was a way to get the hell out of there. But I was blocked by the guy sitting next to me.And wouldn't you know, it was one of those long self indulgent things with no intermission. I just kept praying please let this bastard kill him self so we can all go home. When I did get to my place, zapped a potato in the microwave to have something to calm my stomach. Ate and then puked 2 minutes later. What in this piece of theater could have caused such a dramatic reaction? I am stupefied.